Boo Scouts of America

Having earned Eagle Scout, having been inducted in the Order of the Arrow, and having been selected by my peers as Senior Patrol Leader of Troop 287 in Barrington, Illinois, I have earned the right to dress down BSA.

When many of you booed at the mention of President Obama, you brought back memories of why I wanted to leave this overrated, underachieving organization. 

I had two wonderful leaders—in my second troop—a United pilot, Bill Rushing Sr., and a banker, Walt Heckelman Sr.

My first troop was run by racists and homophobes. They openly admired George Wallace; they loved guns—the larger and more destructive, the better; and they constantly joked about buttf*cking. 

They used intimidation and violence to instill camp discipline in the far-north woods of Wisconsin by the Namekogen River. 

If a Scout screwed up, we were all assembled around the camp’s fire bucket. This was a large garbage can filled to the top with water, like a ready-hydrant if a tent (or Scout) caught fire. The bad Scout was lifted hysterically off his feet by two grown slobs of men; the kid was turned upside down, and thrust head first into the water—and he was kept there for some time.

I couldn’t make this up if you paid me. But it was chilling, even for this 11-year-old boy who cried every night in his sleeping bag.

And I understood where waterboarding came from after 9/11. It came so naturally to my sadistic Scout leaders.

When we weren’t terrorized or terrorizing, we were engaged in stupid but harmless hazing rituals, such as snipe hunting. Yes, I fell for this trap. It was no big deal, just a waste of time that could have been much better spent. It taught me to grow a thicker skin.

I’d say one out of four men I encountered in Scouts were really decent, caring people. The other three out of four … they’d have fit in great at tonight’s Boo Scout Jamboree.

Post-Script: I made Eagle by age 13 not because I was special but because my parents would not tolerate my quitting. I learned quickly the only way out was up, so I accelerated my advancement. Certainly, I learned valuable lessons—but they weren’t the lessons that Lord Baden Powell, founder of BSA, had in mind.